Let me begin by informing you that I am in an anxious state. I fear that in exposing how I feel for you now would assimilate your view to that of Henry G. Strauss, that the horror contained herein would make you give up on reading. Pertaining to my letter you may do so if you please. But read further, if possible all that you can on your idle time, because as I've read, reading maintains one's youth.
Before I openly declare my true intent, in order to make me less anxious, allow me to sail back on our history as lovers. The first time we met was in 1993. My boardmates introduced me to you while we played pusoy dos. I was very hesitant to extend my arm for even a handshake for that would mean touching - and too often some things that come in contact with my skin often causes me discomfort. And so they teased me saying I was gay. To prove that I am not, I reached out for you. And no sooner, we got hot by the first kiss that we did - with them as our audience.
That kiss sufficed to keep me awake all night longing for more. My heart beat ran on a fast irregular rate that kept my eyes unshut until my friends bored out of card playing. You were a charm that night as I won filthy bucks sufficient for a month's allowance.
From then on, we would often meet at the sari-sari store. We were not ashamed to touch and kiss in public. But I was cautious then that my parents would see us together. I feared that they would scold and despise our affair as most parents would seeing their young kids engrossed with so much "love" in their youth.
Out of poverty, I had to live with my aunt's family. Yet we did not consider that a hindrance to how we felt for each other. You transferred near where I had to settle. And yes, so often we would meet in the sari-sari store in that area, either drinking some soda or chewing on some chips. It was so amazing that we find bliss in many moments that we are together.
It was uncle who learned of our affair. I froze that time he saw us kissing. Horrible things ran on my mind. Only to learn that it was alright with him, so saying that he had his moments similar to ours. However, he advised us to limit our time together - that so much closeness would end us into something we were not prepared for yet. The mixture of emotions from getting caught, we had to nod in approval only to be disobedient thereafter.
The last two years of my college schooling became hectic. Sometimes I needed to stay over night on some of my classmates' houses considering that we need to finish our projects. You did not complain and even accompanied me. My classmates were amazed about us. They also became witnesses of our passionate kisses.
Then the day I dread to happen came about. My father visited my aunt and learned of our affair. He was so upset. There were many things I were told and warned about. Of that litany, this I did not forget, "You must finish your studies first. What you spend for to further your affair remains charged on us who are sending you to school." I was hurt by those verbosities. With a battered ego, I remained connected with you secretly. You kept mum all along and our relationship got more intense.
No sooner, I was able to earn my own. With pride, I brought you home to brag to my father about you. It was him who was mum. All his fears back then were replaced by regret for having said hurting words. We were so happy to let the whole world learn how much we loved each other.
Our tale did not end from there. I had other affairs and yet you remained mum on my misgivings. I had tastes of various women from here to fro, but you remained passionate. I wonder where you get all that courage to kiss a philandering man.
Suddenly, I had a son. After then, a daughter. Not ours and yet your emotions bear the same constant flame as before. You remained seductive as yet, but I know it ain't seduction per se. It has been our nature to be tied to each other. We remain doing many things publicly and privately in the same intensity as before. We cared not about those around us as long as we are together from time to time.
To deviate a bit, I quote a quote I’ve read from my friend’s profile. It says, “Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.” I commented on that saying, “Ate, it remains a decision. It's either you decide it to be magical or not.”
Before I openly declare my true intent, in order to make me less anxious, allow me to sail back on our history as lovers. The first time we met was in 1993. My boardmates introduced me to you while we played pusoy dos. I was very hesitant to extend my arm for even a handshake for that would mean touching - and too often some things that come in contact with my skin often causes me discomfort. And so they teased me saying I was gay. To prove that I am not, I reached out for you. And no sooner, we got hot by the first kiss that we did - with them as our audience.
That kiss sufficed to keep me awake all night longing for more. My heart beat ran on a fast irregular rate that kept my eyes unshut until my friends bored out of card playing. You were a charm that night as I won filthy bucks sufficient for a month's allowance.
From then on, we would often meet at the sari-sari store. We were not ashamed to touch and kiss in public. But I was cautious then that my parents would see us together. I feared that they would scold and despise our affair as most parents would seeing their young kids engrossed with so much "love" in their youth.
Out of poverty, I had to live with my aunt's family. Yet we did not consider that a hindrance to how we felt for each other. You transferred near where I had to settle. And yes, so often we would meet in the sari-sari store in that area, either drinking some soda or chewing on some chips. It was so amazing that we find bliss in many moments that we are together.
It was uncle who learned of our affair. I froze that time he saw us kissing. Horrible things ran on my mind. Only to learn that it was alright with him, so saying that he had his moments similar to ours. However, he advised us to limit our time together - that so much closeness would end us into something we were not prepared for yet. The mixture of emotions from getting caught, we had to nod in approval only to be disobedient thereafter.
The last two years of my college schooling became hectic. Sometimes I needed to stay over night on some of my classmates' houses considering that we need to finish our projects. You did not complain and even accompanied me. My classmates were amazed about us. They also became witnesses of our passionate kisses.
Then the day I dread to happen came about. My father visited my aunt and learned of our affair. He was so upset. There were many things I were told and warned about. Of that litany, this I did not forget, "You must finish your studies first. What you spend for to further your affair remains charged on us who are sending you to school." I was hurt by those verbosities. With a battered ego, I remained connected with you secretly. You kept mum all along and our relationship got more intense.
No sooner, I was able to earn my own. With pride, I brought you home to brag to my father about you. It was him who was mum. All his fears back then were replaced by regret for having said hurting words. We were so happy to let the whole world learn how much we loved each other.
Our tale did not end from there. I had other affairs and yet you remained mum on my misgivings. I had tastes of various women from here to fro, but you remained passionate. I wonder where you get all that courage to kiss a philandering man.
Suddenly, I had a son. After then, a daughter. Not ours and yet your emotions bear the same constant flame as before. You remained seductive as yet, but I know it ain't seduction per se. It has been our nature to be tied to each other. We remain doing many things publicly and privately in the same intensity as before. We cared not about those around us as long as we are together from time to time.
To deviate a bit, I quote a quote I’ve read from my friend’s profile. It says, “Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.” I commented on that saying, “Ate, it remains a decision. It's either you decide it to be magical or not.”
Going back and straight to the point, everything about us are memories to cherish. We've been to many places. But now, with so much regret, I intend to cease from seeing each other you. I still love you, but I have responsibilities now. Please understand. I would like to live clean and free from the chains of guilt that I am killing my soul every time we get together. I would like to be a good example to my kids as I dream them not engaging into illicit affairs. I would like to father them the best way I can be. And one of the factors to be that dream is to give you up.
It tears my heart to do this.
Addio a voi la mia sigaretta cara. Pardon my Italian conversion of bidding you farewell.
Let us just be friends now.
No more magic.
No more kissing.
It tears my heart to do this.
Addio a voi la mia sigaretta cara. Pardon my Italian conversion of bidding you farewell.
Let us just be friends now.
No more magic.
No more kissing.